Skeletons in the Closet

When I was ten years old a friend and  I went to a People's drugstore.  I stuck a roll of Tropical Fruit Lifesavers in my pocket, walked out without paying, went home, and ate all of the contents in one sitting.  I have never revealed this shameful episode to anyone until now.

Faithful readers (you know who you are!) may be asking what purpose is to be served by this admission so many years later. Simple.  By coming clean, I eliminate the possibility that my friend, the only witness,  will threaten to reveal my secret unless I come up with $3.5 million in hush money to be paid in $50,000 cash installments.  This is a headache I do not need.

By now, you have probably heard of former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert's money laundering indictment. From its contents we know that Hastert is accused of violating "banking laws in a bid to pay $3.5 million to an unnamed person to cover up "past misconduct.'"

The indictment also helpfully notes that before his political career, Hastert served as a teacher and a coach in Yorkville, IL. It also informs us that the individual "has been a resident of Yorkville, Illinois and has known defendant John Dennis Hastert most" of his or her life.

PAGING SHERLOCK HOLMES! PAGING SHERLOCK HOLMES! For the life of me, I can't figure out the background story here.

Hastert was a wrestling coach - perhaps it was teaching one of his charges novel ways to conceal a hidden object.

With this news, Hastert now earns the remaining spot on the Mount Rushmore of ethically challenged  GOP House Leadership - joining Bob Livingston, Newt Gingrich, and Tom Delay. He also joins Eliot Spitzer as an example of a political figure who could have profited from a passing familiarity with Paypal.

It's not hard to feel a bit sorry for the guy.  I generally think of extortion as the crime, not so much the paying of blackmail. Hastert also certainly seems more likable than many of his Hill associates, even if his lasting legacy is the Hastert rule currently holding the entire U.S. legislative branch hostage to the lunatic fringe of the Republican party.

In the end, the sympathy route may be his best legal strategy.  When asked by investigators why he was making large cash withdrawals, he cited a lack of faith in the U.S. banking system.  That he would come up with an excuse like that on the fly lends credibility to any plea deal that makes reference to "diminished mental capacity."