Foreign Policy (Installment Two)

In which Barack Obama again channels Donald Trump:

"You know who hates Barack Obama? Who goes crazy every time they hear the name 'Obama'?

The ISIS people.

They go bananas just thinking about me.  Why? Jealousy.

You go to any town in any country in the world. Find anyone ... A little kid ... An old lady ... Doesn't  matter.  Ask them, 'Who is the president of the United States?"

They won't miss a beat. 'That's easy: Barack Obama.' Bingo!

So then you say, 'You seem like an intelligent person. Can you tell me the name of the President of ISIS?'

'Uh ... Uh ... No, I can't.' They've never heard of him. NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF THIS GUY!

The ISIS president could walk down Pennsylvania Avenue, Broadway, you name it and not get arrested. He is a total nobody.

So I don't have a lot of time for ISIS. They're boring and very overrated.

They talk about how great they are. They have a Caliphate. Sounds impressive, right?

This big caliphate is - I looked this up - about as big as Pennsylvania. Maybe to them that's big. To me, not so much.

I also understand it is largely desert and there really isn't much to do there.  It is not a desirable location. I'm not that impressed.

If it were me, I'd be embarrassed to call that a caliphate. But that's just me. Different strokes for different folks.

So go ahead ISIS people, enjoy your so-called caliphate. Knock yourselves out. Just so long as you know that it's puny and a total joke and everybody laughs at it.

But enough about them. I've spent enough time talking about those losers. Even talking this much about them is the greatest thing that has ever happened to them.

I guarantee you that right now they are jumping up and down, screaming 'Obama is talking about us! Obama is talking about us! Can you believe it?"

So I'm gonna stop right here. Bottom line: ISIS is a bunch of poorly groomed losers who live in a hell-hole and have nothing better to do than cut peoples' heads off - which is something by the way that I have a lot of problems with.

Now, everybody's gonna go around saying, 'Obama - why do you have to go around saying such mean things about ISIS?'

I don't care. So what if I hurt their feelings? They started it."

How Obama Should Have Sold the Iran Deal

Using Trump speak:

"You are not going to believe how great this deal is. You're gonna love this deal. It punches Iran's nuclear program right in the face.

To be honest with you, I'm not a big fan of the mullahs. It's ridiculous how they've been playing us for chumps. You know why? Our negotiators are a bunch of losers. So I had to step in and talk turkey with them. I just said, 'I hate to break it to you: you're not building an A-bomb.' They got the message. They're not stupid, those people. Afterwards they thanked me.  They said it was the greatest negotiation they'd ever been around.

Bibi's not happy. That's his problem.  Everyone who knows me knows that I love the Jewish people. Especially the ones who aren't fat losers like Bibi. For the most part they are very hard workers.  I employ a lot of them in my administration. I am the single greatest job creator in the history of the Jewish people.

Actually, the Jewish people are going to go out of their minds when they see this deal. I predict they're gonna be its biggest fans. You cannot believe how much the Jewish people will love this deal. They will go crazy for it."