Foreign Policy (Installment Two)

In which Barack Obama again channels Donald Trump:

"You know who hates Barack Obama? Who goes crazy every time they hear the name 'Obama'?

The ISIS people.

They go bananas just thinking about me.  Why? Jealousy.

You go to any town in any country in the world. Find anyone ... A little kid ... An old lady ... Doesn't  matter.  Ask them, 'Who is the president of the United States?"

They won't miss a beat. 'That's easy: Barack Obama.' Bingo!

So then you say, 'You seem like an intelligent person. Can you tell me the name of the President of ISIS?'

'Uh ... Uh ... No, I can't.' They've never heard of him. NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF THIS GUY!

The ISIS president could walk down Pennsylvania Avenue, Broadway, you name it and not get arrested. He is a total nobody.

So I don't have a lot of time for ISIS. They're boring and very overrated.

They talk about how great they are. They have a Caliphate. Sounds impressive, right?

This big caliphate is - I looked this up - about as big as Pennsylvania. Maybe to them that's big. To me, not so much.

I also understand it is largely desert and there really isn't much to do there.  It is not a desirable location. I'm not that impressed.

If it were me, I'd be embarrassed to call that a caliphate. But that's just me. Different strokes for different folks.

So go ahead ISIS people, enjoy your so-called caliphate. Knock yourselves out. Just so long as you know that it's puny and a total joke and everybody laughs at it.

But enough about them. I've spent enough time talking about those losers. Even talking this much about them is the greatest thing that has ever happened to them.

I guarantee you that right now they are jumping up and down, screaming 'Obama is talking about us! Obama is talking about us! Can you believe it?"

So I'm gonna stop right here. Bottom line: ISIS is a bunch of poorly groomed losers who live in a hell-hole and have nothing better to do than cut peoples' heads off - which is something by the way that I have a lot of problems with.

Now, everybody's gonna go around saying, 'Obama - why do you have to go around saying such mean things about ISIS?'

I don't care. So what if I hurt their feelings? They started it."

How Obama Should Have Sold the Iran Deal

Using Trump speak:

"You are not going to believe how great this deal is. You're gonna love this deal. It punches Iran's nuclear program right in the face.

To be honest with you, I'm not a big fan of the mullahs. It's ridiculous how they've been playing us for chumps. You know why? Our negotiators are a bunch of losers. So I had to step in and talk turkey with them. I just said, 'I hate to break it to you: you're not building an A-bomb.' They got the message. They're not stupid, those people. Afterwards they thanked me.  They said it was the greatest negotiation they'd ever been around.

Bibi's not happy. That's his problem.  Everyone who knows me knows that I love the Jewish people. Especially the ones who aren't fat losers like Bibi. For the most part they are very hard workers.  I employ a lot of them in my administration. I am the single greatest job creator in the history of the Jewish people.

Actually, the Jewish people are going to go out of their minds when they see this deal. I predict they're gonna be its biggest fans. You cannot believe how much the Jewish people will love this deal. They will go crazy for it."

One of Life's Mysteries

An intense manhunt was underway Thursday for a white gunman who opened fire on Wednesday night at a historic black church in this city’s downtown, killing nine people before fleeing.

At least South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley is on the case:

While we do not yet know all of the details, we do know that we'll never understand what motivates anyone to enter one of our places of worship and take the life of another.

If anyone can figure out what the motivation might be, please let Gov. Haley know.  In the meantime, she'll be honoring the victims by lowering the Confederate flag that flies in front of Secessionland's Statehouse to half mast.

UPDATE: You can't make this stuff up. Here is Rick Santorum's reaction:

Presidential candidate and former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) on Thursday called the attack by a white gunman on a historic black church in Charleston, S.C. part of a broader assault on "religious liberty" in America. 

Skeletons in the Closet

When I was ten years old a friend and  I went to a People's drugstore.  I stuck a roll of Tropical Fruit Lifesavers in my pocket, walked out without paying, went home, and ate all of the contents in one sitting.  I have never revealed this shameful episode to anyone until now.

Faithful readers (you know who you are!) may be asking what purpose is to be served by this admission so many years later. Simple.  By coming clean, I eliminate the possibility that my friend, the only witness,  will threaten to reveal my secret unless I come up with $3.5 million in hush money to be paid in $50,000 cash installments.  This is a headache I do not need.

By now, you have probably heard of former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert's money laundering indictment. From its contents we know that Hastert is accused of violating "banking laws in a bid to pay $3.5 million to an unnamed person to cover up "past misconduct.'"

The indictment also helpfully notes that before his political career, Hastert served as a teacher and a coach in Yorkville, IL. It also informs us that the individual "has been a resident of Yorkville, Illinois and has known defendant John Dennis Hastert most" of his or her life.

PAGING SHERLOCK HOLMES! PAGING SHERLOCK HOLMES! For the life of me, I can't figure out the background story here.

Hastert was a wrestling coach - perhaps it was teaching one of his charges novel ways to conceal a hidden object.

With this news, Hastert now earns the remaining spot on the Mount Rushmore of ethically challenged  GOP House Leadership - joining Bob Livingston, Newt Gingrich, and Tom Delay. He also joins Eliot Spitzer as an example of a political figure who could have profited from a passing familiarity with Paypal.

It's not hard to feel a bit sorry for the guy.  I generally think of extortion as the crime, not so much the paying of blackmail. Hastert also certainly seems more likable than many of his Hill associates, even if his lasting legacy is the Hastert rule currently holding the entire U.S. legislative branch hostage to the lunatic fringe of the Republican party.

In the end, the sympathy route may be his best legal strategy.  When asked by investigators why he was making large cash withdrawals, he cited a lack of faith in the U.S. banking system.  That he would come up with an excuse like that on the fly lends credibility to any plea deal that makes reference to "diminished mental capacity."